Another true story from The Iceman Diaries.
Horny Goat Weed.
I kept seeing it everywhere. What a stupid name: "Horny Goat Weed". What the hell was it anyway?
The claims for it sounded very exaggerated to say the least: Bigger erections, harder erections, longer erections, more sex, no premature ejaculation, no running out of steam. "Is there anything this Horny stuff didn't do," I thought to myself? Maybe it can pay my mortgage off too.
I guess if you are bombarded enough with something that sounds too good to be true, sooner or later you will wonder if it really works.
The day I finally tried Horny Goat Weed
I got hold of a bottle of Horny Goat Weed and took my first two tablets in the morning. That evening I had the hottest date of my life. I had been pursuing this goddess for months and months and we finally had a date.
Call it coincidence, divine intervention, absolute stupidity (you will find out later) or bad luck, my taking the first dose of Horny Goat Weed coincided with our first date.
I'd met this girl in my local hairdressers, where I was quite pally with the owner who was a super-gay guy. I think she must have thought that I was either gay or swung both ways or something.
Anyway, I didn't have to worry about that any more as I had a date.
The cinema
Having taken my second dose of Horny Goat Weed, not a lot had happened (I'm one of those people that wants to see a miracle within 1 dose).
That evening we had a fab time (fab! Must be the influence of my gay hairdresser!) at dinner. She suggested we go and see something at the movies. She wanted to see the new film of a book she had read: Brokeback Mountain.
I didn't know anything about the film, so agreed. I wasn't about to sound "inflexible".
We checked the time by calling the cinema and realised that the film had already begun. We were 5 minutes away so started running. It was fun, running with her. I felt like a school-kid all over again.
As we got closer to the cinema, I started feeling the old boy down there (you know who I'm talking about) getting a bit excited. I put it down to my super-hot date and my anticipation.
The film
As we were sat down, I felt myself having a seriously solid erection. It wouldn't go down. I didn't mind as it was dark and what the hell, I was on a date. You're supposed to have an erection on a date, right?
Did I miss the bit about Brokeback Mountain being a gay film? You probably know, right? I wish I did. Halfway through the film, my erection was as hard as at the beginning. That bloody Horny Goat thingy.
Brokeback Mountain had some pretty intense gay scenes in it. By this time, I was praying for my erection to die off, but no sign of that. My hot date had no idea of my internal problems. Well, that is until she accidentally (or on purpose - doesn't matter now) brushed past my trousers and felt the mother of all erections.
That was our last date.
Since then, I always check what film I am going to watch.
Lesson: Don't experiment on the day of a first date.
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