Another true story from the Iceman Diaries.
Every time I recount this story, the listeners think I am making it up. I'm not. It just sounds that way. It's a true story.
The chat-up
It was a Friday in December. I was working for this newspaper in Hammersmith and I was on my lunch hour. I was standing next to Boots and on my left was a real stunner who was being interviewed by a double glazing salesman (I thought they knocked on doors?).
I interrupted with my request for her to join me for lunch (I had just eaten). No, was her polite reply as she got back to her all so important sales lecture.
I persisted. After-all body building was about persisting. I was a body builder. I asked her for dinner that night. She said no. Double Glazing dude was getting angry.
Change of tactics. I interrupted a third time. "Pardon me, are you working tomorrow?"
"Yes I AM," she said.
"Where?" I enquired.
"Brent Cross."
"I'm taking you to lunch tomorrow," I commanded.
"You don't give up do you?"
"Doesn't look like you are up to much in your lunch hours!"
"Ok, I have lunch at one, make sure you are at the Visa Display stand on the ground floor, ok?"
"Right you are," I was victorious.
My body was my secret weapon
Desperate to put some size on without using steroids, I had turned to a well advertised book called "Brawn", by Stuart McRobert. It was a great book and it really made sense to me.
I had begun to make some real progress in my body building. I was a natural body builder with what I termed bad genetics(others termed laziness). But here I was, reading Brawn, training "intelligently" and making gains.
The next day, I had a date with a girl whose name I didn't know. As for that Friday, we had our work Christmas party in a Chinese Takeaway in Ealing.
The strip
I don't even remember how it came about but came about, it did! One of the tables in the Chinese had about 12 girls sitting round it, jolly, merry, drunk, hot, horny, sexy… They were celebrating one of the girl's birthdays.
One of my colleagues dared me to go and strip for them. Me, strip? Show my new found body off? Hell yeah!
So off I went. Still in my sober season (bloody body building). I was big, I was lean, I was ripped, I was proud and I was wearing my best shirt - big mistake.
I started doing the strip and the girls went wild. I sang happy birthday. I showed off my new found "pack", all six packs of them. I flirted, I danced and I saw what it's like to be adored by girls just because you have a nice body and you look confident.
I was confident. Since reading Brawn and changing my routine, I had made some good progress and I was more confident than ever.
A kiss on the cheek. A pinch on the bum. I was in heaven. Then came their thank you. They had each written their names with lipstick, pens, whatever they could find on my new expensive shirt. Jeez, thanks a lot girls. The strip cost me £80!
The date
I showed up at 12:40 p.m. No sign of her. OK, I was early.
I hung around until 1:20 p.m. No sign. I went round the centre and on the first floor, I saw her walking with another guy. What a smooth operator she was!
I was pissed but kept my cool.
"Didn't we have a date?" I asked, politely.
"Oh, I'm sorry, things came up. I didn't have your…"
Just as she was conjuring up the rest of her LIE, a group of 5-6 girls went by us. They started giggling and pointing at me.
"What now?" I thought.
One of them ventured forward. Cute little thing.
"Hey, ain't you that stripper from last night?" she giggled.
"Errr," I was speechless.
"Yeah you are, ain't ya?" she was certain now (oh boy).
"Oh yeah yeah, this is him, this is the stripper from last night," she started shouting across the whole of Brent Cross.
They were all going wild, in that way young girls do.
My date-come-no-date was in a different mood now. Guess my winter exterior had not given away my "stripper body".
"This is my brother Jamie," she said.
"I'm sorry about that. I am free for lunch."
I told you no one believes this story…. But it's true.
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